I think I'm going crazy.

It's been almost a month since I completed my internship. I should be enjoying my free time. I should be rubbing the fact that I have absolutely nothing to do in the face of people who have absolutely too much to do. I should be sleeping till four in the afternoon and lulling till dinner. I should be up-to-date with all the movies currently screening in the cinemas and also those currently sitting in the drawers of my home that are in the form of counterfeit DVDs. What I shouldn't be doing is fretting. A lot of people I know take time off to do nothing after freshly graduating. Sometimes even years. I can't presume it normal that I'm already beginning to get restless after barely a month of bumming.

So here I am sitting in the rain. Well, not literally sitting in the rain, but I am sitting near rain. I came out here with a book in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. I had all sorts of inspiration to write while in this melodramatic state but I lost it as I ran upstairs to grab my laptop. Believe me, this was not what I intended to ramble on about. My brain is running so fast that it's not even making time to process the thoughts. It's like watching lampposts whiz by while on a 180km/h car ride. You know they are lampposts even though you can't visually focus on the object. Too many details are left out, but you know beyond doubt that it's a lamppost.

This is turning out to be a very depressing post so in the spirit of things, I hate the stupidly erratic weather...

Only time will tell.

You can tell a whole lot of tales, spin a whole lot of self-truths, and convince the people around you that you are sincere but only time will show if you are worthy of trust. In a way, time is the ultimate mirror. Through time, we get to see real beauty, to encounter colorful personalities, to see our true selves.

I stopped making promises I know I'll never be able to keep since years ago. "I promise to be with you forever", "We'll never be together", "I promise I won't go over 120 km/h". These are all mere utterances with the potential to become non-truths. No one can tell the future, and I am definitely incapable of promising anyone the future. What I can promise is anything that is within my control. I can promise to work as hard as I can to stay with you for as long as we can, I can promise to keep an open mind, I can promise to install a speed cut in my car. Then again, it all boils down to trust. And trust is something cultivated through time and communication.

I can say a lot of things but it's up to you to give me the time test.

Word of the day: I know myself well enough to know that I don't know myself very well.

I feel like I'm walking in a cloud.

The first time I experienced true clarity was when I broke up with this real pain of a boyfriend. It was the most inspiring decision I have ever made in my life. Suddenly the world made sense again. It was like waking up from a deep sleep and stepping into a Technicolor reality. I can only look back at that moment in life with envy and wonder. Envy because I need that clarity and drive to move forward. Wonder because I have no idea what I have to do to achieve that mental state. Wonder because I don't know what I did to fall back into this meandering.

At this point in my life, my vision is obscured by a sea of possibility. Yet again, I have absolutely no idea which way to go. I rarely act on impulse... Except for that time I bought that RM70 cap that I've not once worn out in public... And that time I decided to eat another slice of that cake.

I read this book about one's initial reactions towards situations and how most of the time, the initial reaction is the right reaction. Maybe that's what I need to practice more often. Evidently my stance to wait and see how things turn out has not been particularly beneficial to me. I remember writing in a previous post something that goes, "When in doubt, just shut up and wait", or something to that effect. I think it's time I tried something new. Screw Starbucks, I'm going to Holly's tomorrow.