someone once said that the opposite of love is not hate but in fact fear.

i can't quite remember what the person's explanation for that statement was but my interpretation is this. hate means that there is a lack of love. you can't love someone and hate him at the same time but you can intensely dislike.

life has taught me that the essence of love is exactly as the bible says...or at least it has become my only point of reference if ever there is doubt in that area. so read with me;


makes sense doesn't it? hate takes form because there is no love but not when there is no love. you don't immediately start hating someone just because you've fallen out of love. but, when love is taken away, fear takes its place. fear causes insecurity, doubt, discontent. fear makes a person act without thinking things through. fear makes a person settle for something less than s/he deserves. fear heightens a person's desire to want.

so, is it wrong to want? is it wrong to settle for something less just because it happens to be there at the right time?

i guess if love is what it is, then love is what i want. the kind of love that drives away my fears.

sometimes it's just so hard to know what to want.

we all have options, choices...maybe even too many. so how do we know what to want when the pros and cons aren't clear? or when you're so consumed with temptation that your thoughts get clouded over with the desire to act impulsively?

i've been lusting to fill my mouth with the taste of cold mango but right next to mango is cherries. cherries don't come around everyday. cherries taste good and dark red IS the color of passion, excitement, blood. is it then still better to have mango? aren't i allowed to indulge in a moment of fickle-ness? what if the cherries are gone by the time tomorrow comes? mangoes are high maintenance though...takes more effort because of the need to peel before eating. not the case with cherries. just pop and go...but then i started off wanting mangoes...why have i lost focus? why am i contemplating when i've wanted mangoes all this while? is it really that easy to lose sight of your heart's desires? is it that easy to let go of years of hopes and dreams over something that promises nothing more than short term satisfaction? is it that easy to forget?

do you think it's rational to make a decision without much deliberation? expiry stickers limit the thought process but how much is too much? if time makes things clearer then maybe time is the ultimate decision maker. time will make both mango and cherries go bad. time will make mango into a tree with or without you. time robs you of your choices.

what to do, what to do...

She sees them walking hand-in-hand. They kiss. She is immediately reminded of the lies, the deceit, the betrayal but yet there is no hate. No anger. It's as though someone licked his spoon and stuck it in her soup. At first she's confused, and then she gets territorial. "What was I?" She walks on. It's not fair. He's always ahead of her. "Why didn't I see it coming?" Love isn't blind. Pride and self blinds. She wants perfection but needs to understand that perfection comes from God. She longs for the day the silence breaks. "Oh Lord, when will it be my turn? Will I always be in someone else's shadow?" She sighs in frustration.

*sheepish smile* so i've been lazy to blog...

the past month's been pretty hectic. i realised that the older i get, the more obligations i feel, somewhat, compelled to meet. maybe coz it wouldn't have occured to me to look after certain people's feelings...but now i do...sigh...responsibilities are a biatch.

anyway, on a lighter but still complainey note, i can't seem to win anything! i enter competitions, i enter draws...i don't win crap!!! ally wins lotsa stuff. zeb wins big stuff. everyone gets free tickets to everything. why i don't have wan?! yeesh....and i sooo wanted that Cayman S from the Malaysian Charity Draw....*mumble grumble*

on a much lighter note, the highlight of my month came extremely unexpected. my bro and dad went to Singapore for business. when they came back, my mom and i thought they'd have at least bought back some fun stuff with them but guess what they brought back? kampung chicken eggs. wtf?? anyway, inspite of the grave disappointment, we went along our routinely lives...until a night later. my dad handed me this plastic bag which i opened. *giggle giggle, twirl hair-twirl hair* remember me lamenting bout my lost flashlight? my daddy got me another one!!! it's exactly the same except for the rubber grip handle. hehehe! little joys...

apart from these happening happenings,
the 4hotchiqz have been reunited...
but then we have yet to take a picture of all four of us together...

i finally attended a Mass Comm end-of-semester-ly house party.

we celebrated Ally's 19th birthday!!
girl, you've grown to be beautiful in all aspects of your life. may the Lord continue to bless you and use you not only in your areas of ministry but also in your college, at home, at work, at yam chas, at the movies, at shopping, and anywhere else you frequent. when the road is winding, we will walk it hand-in-hand, building each other up all for the glory of God.


church carnival, a fundraising event for the building of the Calvary Convention Center
i was scheduled to help out at my Lifegroup's t-shirt & knick knacks stall at 1pm. i reached just before 1, managed to shovel in half a personal pizza before running off to the Lifegroup stall. sigh...by the time i got off duty, almost everything was sold out. no more curry laksa. no more paper wrapped chicken. no more Delicious by Ms Read cupcakes. sigh...suppose i'll have to wait till next year...

word of the day: Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest and came in 3rd.

i feel miserable...

this is diet day 3...or day 2...doesn't matter la. i still feel miserable...my diet does not require me to skip meals or avoid certain food groups or even have me eat canned beets for a week. all i need to do is cut down...stop drinking leong cha with sugar, always always order kopi 'o' ice kosong, try to avoid finishing all the rice on my plate, eat more vege than meat, and don't eat anything after 9 to 10pm...that's all...but yet my tummy's protesting...why ar? have i really been eating that much all this while?? no wonder i've been gaining weight...stupid...

i workout every other day now, 40 minutes per day...nothing very strenuous but yet i'm getting hungrier and hungrier.

i can't give up now though. need to shed that extra 5kg plus 1 inch i've put on since the beginning of the year...*yoikes!* aza aza fighting!

i was contemplating whether or not to post this. it's sooo incredibly amusing!!! not very family friendly though but oh well...one way or another la...

*roflmao* this seemingly innocent looking chair-like thing, has got to be the most inventive thing since electric toothbrushes.



seriously, how much lazier can our generation get?

i did read somewhere though that sex helps to burn calories...heh heh heh...